


Aftermath

by WraithRhionann



Category: the GazettE
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Depression, Drinking, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Major Illness, Please Don't Hate Me, Tissues are needed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-24
Updated: 2015-10-24
Packaged: 2018-04-27 21:41:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 18,263
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5065342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WraithRhionann/pseuds/WraithRhionann
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The remaining band get together one year after the death of Ruki to reflect on life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Aftermath

**Author's Note:**

> I lost a family member and this was written to help deal with my own grief.

Aftermath

 

One year ago they had stood on this spot and promised to see each other today. They had planned to stay in touch and for a while they had. Things had changed for them in the last twelve months. Some for the better, others for the worse. They themselves had changed in that seemingly short amount of eternity.  
One year ago today they had said goodbye to a friend for the last time. Gone too soon, everyone had said as they shook hands or hugged them while they cried. No one could understand what had happened, what could have gone wrong. I'm so sorry for your loss, they had all murmured over and over again.  
One year and three days ago their friend and the vocalist in the band had been found dead in his home. The cause of his death had never been released to the public. Only family and a few very select friends, such as his bandmates knew what had happened.  
The rumors had flown around the internet, radio and television as soon as his death was announced. Drugs, depression and disease had been the three most popular rumors at the time. Little did the world know it had been something of all three combined.  
Kai had known about the disease killing their friend almost as soon as Ruki had discovered it himself. He had needed someone to talk to about it that would be able to keep his secret. The drummer had been the only one he had told the entire story to. The rest of the band had known something was wrong but he had just waved it off saying it was a cold or he was just tired.  
Kai had gone along for support to doctors visits and been there as test after test was taken. Through the long difficult months of trying to combat the disease with any medication on the market and all the homeopathic treatments as well. In the end there was nothing more to be done and that was when the depression had set in.  
Ruki had taken to locking himself away from his friends, spending more and more time alone with just his dog for company. They had all taken turns trying to talk to him and get him to come out or just let them in for a while. Nothing had worked. In the end he had sat at home, alone in his misery and pain and began drinking.  
No one was sure if it had been an accident or intentional that he had overdosed that night. The pills for pain and the ones for nausea had similar names and were kept in the same cabinet. They were both white and round and if a person was drunk as well as ill and having a hard time reading the label it would be an easy mistake.  
Both bottles had been on the counter with their lids off. There were several of each found on the floor as well as in the vocalists stomach. In the end the doctors had declared it an accidental overdose and that had been enough for the police to close the case. It hadn't been enough for his family or his friends but it was all they had gotten.  
On a beautiful fall day, just like the one they were having now, they had held a memorial service right here. This section of the cemetery had been closed to the general public for the day so that family and friends could mourn in peace.  
Kai stood by the stone marker with his friends name on it and waited, hoping that his friends would come. He had arrived as the sun had come up and made his way to the little corner he now sat in. How long had it been since he had last spoken to everyone? Last seen them?  
He stood up and stretched as he saw someone approaching him. Long, dark hair and a slender frame was all he could make out as the sun glared from behind the person. A hand raised in greeting as the other man saw him and he waved back.  
"Uruha? Damn it's good to see you," Kai said as the guitarist came up to him.  
"Kouyou, now. I haven't gone by Uruha for a while now," he said as he pulled the former drummer in for a bear hug. "Glad you made it here, brother."  
"I wouldn't have missed the chance to see you guys again. I don't suppose you saw anybody on your way in?"  
"Yuu's here too. He was just going to pay his respects to someone else before he joins us."  
"Good, good. How about Reita? Have you seen or heard from him?"  
"Not in a long time. You?"  
"No. Last I heard he was going to stay with his mom for a while."  
"That didn't work out too well for him. He was only there for a few weeks and then nothing. It's like he fell off the face of the Earth."  
"Damn. Are you sure he's not?" Kai paused, unable to finish the thought.  
"We'd have heard if he was dead. The police would have told his family at least and I talk to his mother and sister both."  
"I can't believe how far down he's fallen. How about you, still sober?"  
"Yeah. Haven't touched a drop since we got the news."  
"That's great. I'm so proud of you." He looked behind his friend and saw they had company. "I think that's Yuu now isn't it?"  
"Yeah, that's him," Kouyou said as he grinned.  
"Kai!" the oldest of their group exclaimed as he ran to them. "How long have you been here?"  
"A while," he admitted as he was once again crushed to one of his friends.  
"I told you we should have come sooner," he said to Kouyou as he released the former drummer.  
"You're the one who couldn't decide what to wear. I was ready for almost two hours waiting on you."  
"You could have stepped in and helped me if you wanted to speed things up," the elder said with a playful push.  
"I did. You didn't like any of my suggestions though," he reminded.  
"Well since most of your suggestions would have gotten me arrested..." he trailed off. "Any how, Kai, have you heard anything about Reita? Like if he's coming or locked up somewhere?"  
"No, sorry," Kai replied sadly.  
"Damn, Yuu. A little tact would go a long way," Kouyou scolded.  
"I know he's you friend and all, Kouyou, but I can't keep pretending that he's not screwed up. I'm tired of pretending a lot of things."  
"Fine, then as soon as Rei gets here you can tell them."  
"Seriously?"  
"I guess it's time to let them know."  
"What are you two talking about?" Kai asked, feeling a little left out and a lot confused.  
"They're gonna finally admit that they're fuck buddies," said a deep voice, startling all three men.  
"Reita? Is that you?" Kai asked in astonishment.  
They all looked the former bassist over as he stood several feet away from them. His once blonde hair was now a greasy black mess that didn't look as if it had been washed or brushed in some time. While he had never been the sharpest dresser in the group, his current grungy looking clothing was worse than ever. The shirt and jeans both had holes in them and his light jacket looked ready for the garbage. In one hand he held a cigarette and the other an almost empty bottle of alcohol.  
"Akira," Kouyou whispered sadly.  
"What no hug for your oldest friend?" he slurred as he took a step forward. "No, hey good to see you?"  
"Have you smelled yourself recently?" Yuu asked angrily. "For fuck's sake, Reita, pull your sorry ass out of the bottle for once would you?"  
"Yuu! Not today," Kouyou said as he moved between the two men.  
"Fine," he ground out between clenched teeth. "Just stay downwind of us."  
"Oh piss off you little pansy ass bitch," Reita said as he lifted the bottle and finished off the contents.  
"Don't be such an asshole, Akira," Kouyou said his own anger surfacing.  
"Yeah, go ahead and side with your lover," he sneered.  
"Enough! All of you!" Kai yelled. "Do you really think this is what Ruki would have wanted? Us standing over his grave, yelling and swearing at each other?"  
"Fuck you, Kai. You have no idea what he would have wanted. None of you do. I knew this was a fucking waste of time. Have a life and leave me the fuck out of it," he swore as he began walking away.  
"What the hell is your problem, Reita?" Yuu demanded as he grabbed the back of the former blondes shirt. "You think you have the market cornered on missing him? You think you're the only who's hurting? Think again, asshat."  
"Get the fuck off me," he said shoving at the older man. "You have no idea what you're talking about."  
"No, obviously I don't know what it's like to lose a friend. It didn't leave a hole in my heart when he died. I don't miss him every time I hear one of our songs on the radio. I don't think of him every time a horror movie comes out. But yeah, I have no idea what I'm talking about."  
Reita threw the empty bottle in his hand against the nearby headstone, shattering it into thousands of pieces. He charged his old friend and swung at him with all his might. His face lit up when he heard the terrible sound of flesh striking flesh and swung again. Yuu took the first two hits in stunned silence before his instincts kicked in and he fought back.  
They rolled on the glass covered ground trading blows as the other two tried to pull them apart unsuccessfully. Kouyou backed away after he was kicked in the shins repeatedly and Kai only stopped when his nose was smashed. They finally stopped when a security guard came up and threatened to arrest the both of them.  
Kouyou grabbed some tissues from the box he had brought with expecting there to be tears not blood and wiped at the cuts on the other guitarists face and arms. Kai had taken a bandana from his pocket and tried to stop the blood flowing from his own nose. Reita sat amidst the glass shards not even caring that his hands were already raw and bleeding.  
"If you think we don't know what we're talking about, why don't you tell us Reita?" Kai said some time later.  
"Why don't you go fuck yourself?"  
"Nevermind. Kouyou, Yuu, what were you going to tell us when Reita got here?" he tried.  
"We're engaged," Kouyou said.  
"What? When? Why didn't you say something sooner?"  
"Whoopie," Reita sneered.  
"A few weeks ago," Yuu answered, ignoring Reita.  
"Congratulations!" Kai said sincerely.  
The four men sat together and talked of their plans for the future as the shadows lengthened and the air cooled around them. After a while even Reita had given more that insults and monosyllable answers. Kai was still in the music business and was now managing an up and coming act. Kouyou and Yuu had given up the lifestyle and now had a small but successful clothing line. Reita didn't say where he was staying only that he was getting by.  
As the sun sank and they were able to see their breath leaving puffs of smoke in the air they all stood and brushed themselves off. One by one they took turns saying farewell to the fifth member of their former band. Kouyou and Yuu left together promising to let them know when the wedding was as Reita faced the small marker.  
"Can I give you a ride somewhere?" Kai asked as the now somewhat sober man stood to leave.  
"No thanks," he said as he wiped his face with the dirty jacket.  
"How about we grab a bite together then? That sushi place you like is still open just down the road from my place."  
"I'm good."  
"You don't have a place to stay and I've got an extra room. Just stay for a while until you're sober and can get back on your feet. Look, I know I'm not Ruki. I know there's nobody that can replace him. I wouldn't even want to try. I'm still your friend and I care about you, even if that's all it ever is."  
"Kai, I can't. I just," he stopped for a moment as he felt a push on his back and caught the familiar scent of Ruki's cologne. As he felt another push he took a deep breath and wiped away fresh tears. "Yeah, okay. Maybe it's time I came in from the cold."


	2. Aoi's POV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Moving forward from Aoi's view.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was originally supposed to be a oneshot but so many people had asked what happens next that it snowballed out of control.  
> Everything between this ~~~~~ is a memory.

Aftermath  
Aoi's POV

 

Somedays it seems so hard to believe that it's been over a year since you died. I still have the urge to call you when I see an ad for a new horror movie. I know you would have been excited about it and probably drag me along with you. I've started going to see them myself even though I don't really like them. It's a way to feel like you're still here with us.  
Other days, like today, I look at how far some of us have come since then and how we've changed. I still can't always believe that Kouyou and I are running a little boutique and selling our own line of clothing and accessories. The look for the new season just came out and it's kind of insane how well it's selling.  
The Red Thread is the theme for the look and it's out just in time for the wedding next week. We're even selling imitations of the rings we'll be exchanging. Three strands of platinum woven together with a red 'thread' running through them. The ones in the shop are fashioned from silver but they still look nice.  
There's a special necklace in the line that we designed together with you in mind. There always is. This one is a black cross with three black keys suspended from it by red 'thread' and a red key in the center of it. It's our way of saying that even though there are only four of us here now, you're always with us.  
I regret a lot of things that we missed out on when you died. I regret not knowing how sick you really were. You were good at covering it up though, all those years of experience with make up for the band. I regret not being there for you all the time. I thought there would always be another chance to hang out and catch a movie or just bullshit with each other.  
Of all the regrets I have I think my biggest regret is not knowing the real Ruki. Well, Takanori I guess. I regret that because maybe if I had known the person behind the facade better I would have known about you and Reita. Then I could have been there more for him and understood his pain better. We all could have been there and maybe he wouldn't have come so close to leaving us as well.  
We have him back now, after an entire year of living hard and fast, on the edge and poised to fall, we have him back. He's better now too, thanks to Kai and they'll be there with us next week as we say our vows and tie the red thread.  
That's something good that's happened in the last year, the best thing really. Hell, who am I kidding, he's the best thing that's happened in my entire life. I'll never get tired of telling him that even if he does just roll his eyes half of the time. He gets it though, gets that I don't miss a chance to tell him how much I love him, how much he means to me.  
I don't want that to be something to regret later on, missing a chance. We almost didn't take that chance, almost didn't find each other, find love. I'm glad he's not on the list of things I regret never knowing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

"Damn, Aoi, you are seriously drunk," Uruha had laughed.  
"And you haven't had a single drink. What's up with that?" I asked him.  
"I just don't fell like drinking tonight."  
"You don't want a drink? Since when?" I was confused and not just because I was drunk.  
"It's not a big deal alright. I'm just not in the mood."  
"You're making it a big deal. Come on Uru-chan. Tell me all about it."  
"Serioiusly, Aoi, just drop it okay."  
"Aww, what's the matter? You haven't been acting like yourself lately. Not since, well since Ruki died. That's it isn't it? You haven't had a drink since then have you?" I realized and instantly sobered up.  
"No I haven't. Do you know how easily I could have made a mistake like that? Taken a pill thinking it was something for my hangover and I grabbed the wrong bottle? I probably have and just not taken enough of whatever for it to kill me."  
"Are you serious? Why didn't you ever say anything?"  
"I didn't think it was a big deal. So what if I take a couple muscle relaxers instead of asperin here and there. It's not a big deal I alwasy told myself. Now I know it's a big deal and I don't want to die by my own stupidity."  
"Fuck you, Uruha," Reita had yelled. I didn't even know he was there until then. "Ruki wasn't a fucking idiot you bastard!"  
"I know that, Rei. I really do. He was sick and made a mistake. I'm saying I was an idiot for not thinking it was a problem when I did it more than once," he said as he tried to avoid the swings being thrown at him.  
"Damn, Reita. Just calm down already," I said trying to get between them. Instead of stopping Reita hit me and I got a black eye.  
"Take it outside, fellas!" the bartender had called to us.  
Reita had flipped him off and looked at us in disgust before he left the bar. Uruha had gotten some ice in a cloth from the bar and paid the tab before we left too. He loaded me into his car and drove me home, like I used to do for him. He helped me up to my apartment and made me drink some water and take a couple asperin, after he double checked the label.  
"Any idea what the hell Reita's problem is?" I had asked.  
"Other than being drunker than you? Not a clue, honestly. Ever since the memorial he's been like that. I get that he misses Ruki. Guess he's just taking it worse than I thought."  
"He needs to get over himself. He's not the only one lost a friend and he's going to lose more if he keeps that attitude up."  
"I've tried talking to him but now he won't even answer my calls."  
"How'd he know we were at the bar then? I haven't spoken to him lately and if he's not answering your calls who told him we'd be there."  
"I think it was just a coincedence. He been hitting a lot of the local bars from what I hear. Old friends have been keeping tabs on him for me."  
"Damn, it's that bad?"  
"He's already been banned from three places that I know of. Probably a few more by now since tonight was exactly what I've been hearing about."  
"Maybe we should get him into some kind of program and get him some help."  
"Why do you think he's not talking to me? I thought he broke my nose when I suggested that."  
"Can't we just bring him somewhere and drop him off whether he likes it or not?"  
"Do you have any idea how hard it is to hold him down? I've already tried that but almost got arrested for kidnapping. The only reason he didn't press charges is because it was happy hour and wanted to hit the bar!"  
"So there's nothing we can do right now?"  
"Not unless you can think of a way to drag him off to some rehab center, while he's awake, without using some kind of physical restraint. And before you ask, I've already tried tricking him into it too. Even drunk he can still out run me."  
He had sat down on the couch next to me then and looked at me and I had seen the depths of his sadness in his eyes. I pulled him into my arms and held him there while we both cried. I held him close after our tears ran dry just wanting to offer him comfort.  
He sat back up after a while and said he needed to get going. It was late. I walked with him to the door and almost let him leave. His hand was on the knob when I reached for him again. I kissed him, trying to pour all the words I couldn't say into that one kiss. As we made our way from the front door to my bedroom, clothes trailing behind us, I knew he understood.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That first night together is forever etched into my mind as one of the best nights of my life. He's been there for every one of the best nights of my adult life. He's been there with me on the worst nights as well. Just like I've been there for him in the good and the bad.  
Why didn't you want us there with you during the bad times? I'll never understand how you could just push us all away like that. I wonder if you know what that did to Reita, pushing him out of your life. It almost killed him a hundred times over the last year. Pride be damned, you should have told us the truth. About your disease and your relationship.  
Love does stupid things to you doesn't it? I've tried to see it from your point of view and understand why you did what you did. I really have. I don't know whether you were incredibly brave to go it alone or incredibly stupid. I guess it's probably a little of both isn't it?  
I haven't played much in the last year. None of us have really. What would be the point without you to put words to the music we write? To sing those words and share them with the world? There isn't a point, not anymore. We thought about putting together something in your memory but we haven't yet. Maybe after the wedding we'll talk about it again, now that Rei's back in our lives.  
Damn but I wish you could be there for our wedding. It's going to be a private ceremony with family and a few old friends. Some of the guys from the other bands we knew are going to be there. We decided to leave a place for you at the head table. Reita and then Kai will be to Kouyou's right and your seat is on my left. You might be gone but you will never be forgotten and you will always be there in our hearts.  
"What are you staring at so intently?" Kouyou asks as his arms wrap around me from behind.  
"Just lost in thought, baby," I say as I lean back into him. He's still warm from sleeping in and I finally notice the chill in the air.  
"Good thoughts I hope."  
"The best. You were in them."  
"You're just saying that to get out of making breakfast today," he teases and hugs tightly.  
"Nah, it's the dishes I want to get out of," I tell him as I turn my head for a kiss. This is our Saturday morning ritual.  
"We really should just get a dishwasher you know. How about we go out for breakfast today and shop for one afterwards?"  
"I wish we could but we can't. We have to meet with the caterer and go over all the last minute stuff. Then the florist wants to see us to make sure the order came in right. If we leave in the next," I glance at my watch, "ten minutes we can grab breakfast on the way though."  
"Deal. I'll be ready in five," he kisses me on the cheek and runs to the bedroom.  
Now that we aren't a band anymore he really can get ready to walk out the door in five minutes. I guess I'd better get ready to go as well. Can't leave him waiting for me or I'll get dragged out of the apartment we share still half dressed.  
I glance up at the sky as I crush out my cigarette just in time to see a star streaking across the fading night sky. Goodbye Ruki.


	3. Uruha's POV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Uruha's POV on some of the darker events following Ruki's death. There's some cute stuff to balance it out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I suck at summaries.  
> Stuff between these is memories ~~~~~~~~

Aftermath  
Uruha's POV

 

Today is just one of those days I don't want to get out of bed. It's so nice and warm snuggled up next Yuu that if I didn't have so much to do still I'd just stay here the whole day. Yesterday we met with the caterer and the florist and everything is on schedule. Today we meet with the seamstress and make do the final fitting for our kimonos. I can't believe that in three more days we'll be married!  
I wish you could be there to see it Ruki. When we first started planning the wedding I was so overwhelmed with all the details. I found myself thinking of you a lot at that time. What would Ruki think of the flowers? Were they too much or not enough? Should we go traditional and wear kimonos are just go more conventional and wear tuxedos? You would have had an opinion on everything and told me whether I wanted to hear it or not.   
I look over at Yuu's sleeping face and know that in the end as long as we're happy it doesn't really matter what everybody else thinks. That's probably what you would have told me all along isn't it? I need coffee if I'm going to make it through today with any of my sanity still intact. I'm glad the sun is shining so brightly today. I can feel the warmth from it seeping into the tiles of our kitchen already.   
Spring will be here before we know it and things at the boutique we run are going to be crazy. The spring line just hit the shelves and already we've had to reorder a few things. I'm so happy we decided to incorporate the red thread theme into this season. The red thread was something I've wanted to do but Yuu was the one who insisted that we should use it now. He was right. The timing of our wedding and the new line couldn't have worked out better.   
I can never get my coffee to come out as good as yours. I don't know why your coffee always tasted better but it did. Remember those mornings on tour when we were the first ones up and you'd make a pot and we'd just drink it in silence? Those were the good days. We should have done that more often.   
There were some dark days for a while after you died. Not just for me, for everybody. Yuu and I never even knew you were sick. We knew you weren't feeling well at the end but you never let on how bad it was. How could you have kept that from us? Somehow Kai knew you were sick. And Reita knew you were dying.   
How could you not have told us about the two of you? I only found out about it a couple months ago when Rei moved in with Kai. Your death almost killed him you know. I still don't know the whole story I'm sure. He's pretty close mouthed about the whole thing even now. I can't prove it but I think for a while there after your death he wanted to die too.   
Not that he would have actually taken his life but he stopped caring if he lived or died. He started drinking and brawling and I'm pretty sure he was living out of his car at one point. He's been my best friend since we were kids and if I had known about the two of you maybe I could have been a better friend to him.   
At first I tried everything I could think of to help him but the more I tried the further we grew apart. We had already lost you and I felt like I was losing him too. I might have quit drinking but I still knew people at all the local bars and the stories they told me were pretty bad. He turned into a very nasty and aggressive drunk and I blame you for that. I don't like to think ill of the dead but you put him through hell and I'm not sure if I can ever forgive you for that.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Kouyou, have you heard from Reita lately?" Yuu would ask me every few weeks.  
"Nothing. It's like he dropped of the face of the world after he left his mom's."  
"That was what, three months ago?"  
"Four, almost five."  
"Four months and no word? What the hell is wrong with him?"  
"Give it a rest Yuu. He's just taking Ruki's death really hard."  
"It's been nine months. Don't you think he should have come to some kind of terms with it by now?"  
"He was the one who found Ruki. The police said that he even tried to do CPR until the paramedics got there. Maybe that's why he's taking it so hard. Maybe he's blaming himself for not being able to save him."  
"Maybe. Have you talked to his mom or sister about him recently? Is there anything we can do for them?"  
"I talked to his mom a few weeks ago. She's really worried about him and she told me that she's talked to the police but there isn't much they can do. If he gets picked up for anything they can call her and let her know where he is. That's about it though since he is an adult."  
"Hmpf. He hasn't exactly been acting like one. First it was sulking and throwing tantrums. Now he's run away from home. Does that sound like the actions of an adult to you?"  
"I know, I know. I keep hoping that maybe he just picked up and went somewhere new to start over and we'll hear from him when he's ready."  
"Do you really think that's what he's doing? Starting over somewhere?"  
"No, I think more likely he's out there somewhere drinking like a fish and fighting like a sailor."  
"You're probably closer with that idea," he said as my phone started ringing.  
"Moshi, moshi."  
"Kouyou, I just got a call from the police," Reita's mother had said.  
"What? Where is he?" I had asked as I motioned to Yuu for paper and pen.  
"He's in the hospital. There was an accident."  
"Is he," I couldn't bring myself to finish the thought.  
"He's alive. He's pretty banged up they said but he's alive."  
I had taken the name of the hospital down and as soon as I hung up we left to go see him. It was a three hour drive and I worried the whole way there about what we would find when we got there. All we knew was that his car had been totaled and that he was going to live. We didn't know if anything was broken or not just that he was alive.   
By the time we got to the hospital his mother was already there and trying to get in to see him. He had been sent to a room for observation since he had a head injury but nobody could find him. His clothing and shoes were gone too. When they checked the security tapes we saw him staggering out over an hour ago.   
Even in the few minutes we could see him on the footage the changes in him were shocking. For one thing his hair was completely black like it had been when we met. He had lost weight too, enough that I could tell on the tiny little monitor. I wasn't sure if it was from the accident or not but it looked like he was having a hard time catching his breath.   
His mother had turned to me after they lost track of him and all I could do was hold her as she cried. I kept hoping that maybe he'd just gone out for a smoke but he never came back. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For a while there it seemed as if maybe he had fallen of the face of the Earth. When you died it broke him, you broke him. I don't think I've seen a smile on his face since before you died. Sometimes I wonder if we ever will again. At least he's finally stopped looking like death itself these last few weeks. You might have broken him but Kai is slowly helping him rebuild his life.   
Kai's a good friend you know. He was the one that made sure your last wishes were carried out. He made sure that the details of your death were never made public. He even took care of Koron for you or he tried at least. Poor little Koron was even more messed up than Reita and stopped eating at the end. Kai even held a small memorial for him and spread his ashes in the park.  
That was the last time we were all together until the anniversary of your death. It wasn't long after that when Reita stopped answering my calls and avoiding all of us. Kai starting managing a new group around that time and we sort of drifted apart. Yuu and I stayed in touch and well, what can I say? We fell into bed one night and woke up in love.   
When we're home alone, just us and a quiet night, he likes to take his time. That man knows every inch of me and somehow he always knows exactly how and where to touch. Those hands of his are talented at more than just strumming a guitar, I'll tell you that much.  
Although it's another story when we're out somewhere and he wants to get frisky. I swear I can't even remember how many places we've had sex in public. Bars, clubs even a few shopping centers. Maybe I can convince the seamstress to disappear for while after she's done all the measurements. I would love to take Yuu up against those mirrors so he can watch everything I do to him.   
Now that would be a memory worth making. We've made a lot of memories in the last year, just the two of us. That's something he says he learned from your death. Never to miss a chance to do or say something that you might regret later on. I'll never get tired of him coming up behind me, wrapping his arms around me and saying how much he loves me. Even if he does it a dozen times a day for the rest of our lives. He makes every moment count.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Good morning, love," I hear him say every morning.  
"It's too early to be morning," I told him and pulled the covers over my head.  
"Now that doesn't even make sense. Come on, wake up."  
"No, it's the weekend and I want to sleep."   
"You just want to get out of making breakfast."  
"It's your turn this weekend."  
"No, I made pancakes last weekend. They were funny looking and tasted weird because I tried to make them red."  
"That wasn't last weekend, Yuu. That was six months ago for Valentine's Day."  
"Are you sure about that? I could have sworn it was only last week. Maybe we should have thrown out the left over batter, because I was thinking of using it."  
"There is no way that stuff is still in the fridge. It wouldn't even be red after all this time. I'd be green or black and fuzzy and there is no way I would have missed seeing that."  
"I'm telling you there was red batter in there when I looked just a little while ago."  
"You are so full of it," I laughed as I got out of bed. I knew there was no left over batter in there and he was up to something.   
"I'm wounded," he clutched his chest as he followed me towards the kitchen.  
"What in the world is all this? You do know that it's August not February right?" I asked, honestly confused.  
"So what? You don't like it?"  
"It's just so RED though," I laughed as I looked around.  
"Come here you. Dance with me," he said as he hit the play button on the remote.   
It was a slow song and he pulled me into his arms and we danced. Another song started and we still danced, danced under the red hearts hanging down from the ceiling. We danced through the red balloons bouncing along on their ribbons and more scattered with the confetti on the floor. We danced around the red streamers crisscrossing the room until we were tangled in them.   
Finally the last note of the last song finished playing and we stopped dancing. He kissed me and plucked bits of red streamer from my hair. Then he had dropped to his knee, looked up into my eyes and I swear my heart almost stopped. He reached into his pocket and instead of a ring he pulled out a piece of red string.   
"I love you more than I thought it was possible to love another person. When I wake up in the morning and see you there next to me, my breath catches. At night your face is the last thing I see, your name the last thing I say. I never want that to change, even if we live to be a thousand. Will you marry me, Kouyou?"  
I couldn't speak. All I could do was nod my head as tears rolled down my face.  
"I thought about getting a ring but I couldn't find one I liked. I want us to design the rings together, something that's only ours. So until we do that, this will have to do," he had said as he tied the red thread on my finger. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I guess it's a good thing we're getting married in a few days. This little red thread is turning pink and fraying more every day. It's a shame you aren't here to see this but Yuu swears that you'll be there with us in spirit. I hope he's right because it just wouldn't feel right without you. I can hear him stirring around inside now so I think I'll go make another cup of coffee.   
As I stand up to go in something soft brushes across my face and then my hand. I look down and see a long white feather wavering at my feet. Before I can reach down to grasp in the wind blows it off the porch and back into the sky. Ruki?


	4. Kai's POV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things start showing improvement and you find out more about what happened with Ruki.

Aftermath  
Kai's POV

 

As the sunlight pours through the window and shines in my eyes I woke up swearing. Did I really sleep through the night and the nightmares it always brings? I grab some shorts and rush from my room expecting to find Reita on the couch watching tv. That's how he spends the rest of the night after the nightmares wake him.   
I start to get nervous when I don't hear the tv and there's no sign of him having been up half the night. The ashtray is still empty and there aren't any dishes left in the sink. The tv is cold to the touch suggesting it's been off for a while at least. I cross my fingers and walk towards his room hoping for a miracle.   
He's still in bed, snoring softly. I fight the urge to cover him back up with the blanket he's thrown off but I don't want to risk waking him up. This is the first time in months, possibly even more than a year, that he hasn't woken up screaming in the dead of night. He won't talk about it but I know he's dreaming of you.   
I know you didn't mean to break his heart, not any more than you meant to break mine. You knew I had feelings for him too but you were sick and I think even then you knew how it would end. I think I knew too. That's why I stepped back and didn't fight for his affection. You were fighting for your life and that was hard enough.   
The part that hurts the most is that in the end you pushed us away. I know you thought you were protecting us from the pain of watching you die. You let your pride get in the way and couldn't see that it hurt him more not being able to help you. He didn't care about the way you looked or if you felt too sick to leave the bed. He cared about you.   
If I didn't know for a fact that you loved him I would have questioned your death like everybody else. You did love him though and that's why I know it was an accident. You were never so selfish that you would have killed yourself, not knowing he was the one who would find you. That much I'm certain of. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"So what's the big secret?" I asked as I sat across from you in the noisy bar. "Got someone new in your life?"  
"Oh yeah. If you count the whole slew of doctors I've been seeing lately," you replied sarcastically.  
"Doctors?" I was shocked to say the least. "Are you sick or something?"  
"Yeah. Some rare and impossible to pronounce disease that has about a very low survival rate."  
"Are you serious?"  
"That's why I wanted to meet you here. I don't want anyone else to know."  
"But, geez. What about a second opinion?"  
"And a third and fourth. They all say the same thing in the end."  
"How low is the survival rate?"  
"Low. The point is that there is one now. They tell me that a few years ago it was an absolute death sentence. Now there's a chance and that's what I need to talk to you about."  
"What can I do?"  
"For now, just don't tell anyone about this. The doctor is starting me on this series of medications and he says I'll get pretty sick. I'll need you to cover for me if I can't make it for meetings or interviews."  
"Consider it done, Ruki. Is there anything else? I can drive you to your appointments if you want. Or I can just go with you for moral support. You name it," I said. I meant every word of it.  
"Not yet but I'll appreciate the offer." I could see the tears in your eyes. "Depending on how the medicines work over the next few months will tell the doctor a lot. There's a chemical therapy being tested but the doctor says it looks encouraging so far."  
"Did they say anything about how long it will be if the medicines don't work? Are you going to be able to wait for the testing to be complete?" I was afraid to ask but I had to know what to expect.  
"If the drugs don't work then six months, maybe a year. Like I said, it's a rare disease and there haven't been many documented cases until the last few years. Depending on how well the testing goes it might be ready in time if I need it." You didn't sound like you believed it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I will always feel honored that you choose me to keep your secret, that you trusted me that much. It wasn't the easiest secret to keep, especially when you started getting sick a few weeks later. We managed though, didn't we. It was just the two of us and then later Reita too. Kouyou and Yuu never knew you were sick until after your death so we must have done a good job hiding it.   
They're getting married in a few days, Ruki. I remember how we used to laugh and wonder if they were ever going to figure out they were crazy stupid about each other. They finally did and now they're making it official. You would have teased them both over how often they've said the word 'fabulous' to describe the ceremony. I know I have.  
The two of them are in fashion now, not that anybody would be surprised about that. I'm the only one still in the music business these days. I started managing this great band last year and they are doing pretty well. It brings back memories of when I joined the GazettE and we were all so young.   
I can't say yet if these guys will make it as far as we did but I certainly hope they do. They've got that same fire we always had, the same determination. Managing a band is a lot different than being in one but in a good way. I still play once in a while but it's not as satisfying as when we were together. I think the guys still play every now and again but Reita, well I'm not even sure where his bass is.   
This morning gives me hope that maybe he's finally starting to move on. He's sober like Kouyou these days and finally starting to put some weight back on. I was able to talk him into shaving and getting a haircut because of the wedding. He was looking pretty scruffy for a while there with all that hair.   
Now if only I could get him outside long enough to get some sun. Maybe when spring is finally here. Not that he didn't spend enough time outdoors when he was living on the streets. I wouldn't exactly call that getting some fresh air and sunshine though. I don't know where he was exactly and that's another thing he won't talk about.   
After the wedding I plan to try getting him to see a therapist again. He wouldn't even think about it after your memorial but maybe, just maybe, he will now. I've tried getting him to talk to me over the last four months but you know how stubborn he is.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I woke up to a pounding on my door in the middle of the night. I stumbled around in the dark trying to find my pants and then make it to the door before the neighbors complained. There were two police officers waiting on the other side of the door and I hoped I was wrong about why they were there.  
"Kai-san?" asked the older officer.  
"Hai."  
"We're sorry to disturb you at this hour but there's been an incident."  
"What kind of incident?" My hope was flickering out.  
"I deeply regret to inform you that your friend Ruki-san has passed away. There was a Reita-san at the scene and he's the one who called in to report it."  
"Where are they now?"  
The officers gave me the name of a nearby hospital and as soon as they left I was dressed and out the door. Reita was being treated for shock and by the time I got there he had been admitted for observation. I spoke to several people at the hospital and the called the police several times before I finally got answers.   
I had to show them the papers that we had signed giving me medical authority over you in emergencies. They told me that Reita had found you in your bathroom dead. Their were several pill bottles on the counter, which was no surprise to me, and that two of them had been spilled.   
Reita had called for help and had tried everything to get you breathing again but it had been too late. When the paramedics had arrived they had needed to pull him off of your body. They had pronounced you dead and Reita had lost it. He had screamed at them to do something and attacked when they said there wasn't anything left to do.   
That was when the police had arrived and they had to restrain him. The paramedics refused to press charges and insisted he be brought to the hospital instead. By the time he got there he had gone into shock and was unresponsive. Aoi and Uruha spent the night in his room watching over him and I stayed with your body just in case. Reita was in a catatonic state for the next two days and barely made it out in time for your memorial.   
The four of us sat with your family and I honestly don't know who cried the most. I know I spoke but I can't remember a word I said. Aoi and Uruha got up there but neither of them could finish before they broke down. Several of your other friends shared memories of you as well. By the time we finished at the cemetery that day several people had to be carried away. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I need to get started on breakfast if I'm going to have time to eat something before work. Not to mention I like making sure Reita has a decent meal since he still can't cook. There have been a lot of late nights the past few weeks since the band is wrapping up recording a new album. I usually stop an get us some take out on the way those nights. Some day I'll be able to get Reita to go out for a meal with me. Baby steps, I keep reminding myself.  
Now that the smell of coffee and bacon is starting to fill the house I hear water running in the bathroom. I smile to myself as I imagine him trying to get his bedhead under control before he comes out. Honestly the stylists in the old days would have had a much easier time doing his hair if they just let him take a nap. They could have just sprayed the bedhead in place and been done in a few minutes.  
"Morning," I hear his sleep rough voice coming from behind me.  
"Good morning to you too," I don't mention that for once it is morning when he wakes.  
"Coffee," he mumbles as he fixes a cup.  
"Yes it is, now out of the kitchen while I'm cooking," I laugh. He's still more asleep than awake I guess.  
"Sorry."  
"Just go sit while I make the eggs. It'll only be a minute."  
"Yeah, okay."   
I almost drop the carton of eggs on the floor when he kisses my cheek and steals a piece of bacon off the plate. He leaves the kitchen with his prize in one hand and coffee in the other as I try to focus on what I'm doing. That's the first time he's done anything spontaneous or goofy in longer than I can remember. The old Reita is still in there somewhere after all.  
I overcook the eggs a little but they are still better than anything he can make. At least I manage not to burn them somehow. I fix a couple of plates and bring them to the table where we eat in silence. It's a comfortable silence these days, unlike the strained mornings when he first moved in.   
"Do you still have that spare key handy?" he asks as he takes his empty plate to the kitchen.  
"Yeah, it should still be on the hook in the cupboard. Why?" Is this another miracle?  
"I remembered last night that when my car was totaled a while ago the insurance agency said they had a check for me. So I could replace it or whatever. I figured I'd go down there and see if they still have it so I can get Kouyou and Yuu a wedding gift."  
"Good idea since the weddings in two days," I laugh, trying to cover my surprise.   
"Yeah, I noticed," he laughs a bit too. It's a harsh sounding laugh but still music to my ears.  
"I'll be stuck at the office all day again but if you're in the area feel free to stop in and say hi."  
"Maybe I will. Anybody I'd know in recording lately?"  
"A few people," I manage to say. Is it possible that I'm still asleep and this is all a dream?  
He nods and opens the cupboards until he finds the key. He holds it up to show he's found it before slipping it into his pocket. I take my own dishes into the kitchen and offer him a ride into town. I can't help the little disappointment that runs through me when he says he'll take the bus. At least he's getting out, I remind myself.   
I dress for work quickly and wave goodbye as I rush out. A smile lights up his face as he laughs and points down. It's a little embarrassing that I forgot my pants but it's worth it to see that smile of his again. I run back to my room and finish getting dressed again. He's waiting at the door for me with my wallet and keys when I come back out. I can't help but laugh as I hug him and he actually returns the hug.  
I start my car and back out of the driveway carefully. I turn on the radio and smile as I recognize the song as one from the single the band I manage released a few months ago. The radio acts up and starts searching the stations automatically. I hit the preset button and turn it back where it belongs only to have it happen again.   
Third times a charm, I think as I once again hit preset. I swear and hit the dashboard as it once again starts racing through the stations. I really don't have the time to take off before the wedding to get it checked out. The radio finally stops on a station and as I reach out to turn it off I hear your voice coming through the speakers.   
"Yeah, Ruki, we'll always be best friends."


	5. Reita's POV Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reita thinks back on all the ups and downs in his life since he found out about Ruki's illness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It starts with Ruki's death so grab tissues if you're prone to crying.  
> This chapter was broken up into two parts because there was a lot to say.   
> As always, between this is a memory ~~~~~~~

Aftermath  
Reita's POV  
Part 1

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Missed call  
9:52 pm  
"Reita? I'm sorry. Please talk to me."

Missed call  
9:55 pm  
"Rei, please call me."

Missed call  
9:58 pm  
"I'm sorry for everything. Sorry I told you to stay away. Sorry I told you not to call again. Sorry I shut you out and pushed you away. You were right, I can't do this alone. It just hurts so bad right now. *cough* I wish you were here, holding me, telling me it's okay. That you love me. *cough* I miss you, baby. I'm so sorry. Please, please call me. I love you"  
I was in the shower getting ready for bed and never even heard the phone ringing. I'm not even sure why I checked it before going to sleep that night since you had stopped calling two weeks ago. As soon as I saw your number I got dressed. By the time you asked me to call I was on my way out. The last time you said you loved me I was halfway there.  
I tried to call you back the rest of the way there but you never answered. The whole drive to your apartment was agony and it seemed to take three times as long as it should have but the clock said it only took half as long as usual. I rushed upstairs to your apartment and didn't bother knocking, I used the key you gave me and let myself in.   
You weren't on the couch were we spent so many nights, curled up together just watching movies. You weren't in the kitchen making tea to settle your stomach. Your bed was cold, empty and unmade, which bothered me since you were always so tidy before. The light was shining under the bathroom door and Koron was asleep waiting for you right in front of it.  
I knocked a few times but there was no answer and Koron only looked up at me and whined. Worried, I opened the door and saw you sitting on the floor. You looked so calm and peaceful that I thought you were asleep. I knelt next to you and called your name softly but you didn't stir. I shook you a little, still not knowing, and called to you again. Your head lolled to the side and hung there limply.   
Koron whimpered from the doorway and refused to come when I called to him. Tears filled my eyes placed my fingers on your neck, looking for proof that you were still with me. I couldn't find it. With my eyes blurry I put my head against your chest willing there to be a whisper of sound. No faint beating of the heart I loved, no soft whooshing of breath.   
I laid your still warm body on the floor and pulled out my phone to call for help. I put the phone on speaker and tried to force your heart to beat for me again, to give you back the breath I'd stolen so many times. They told me that help was on the way but I barely heard them over the screams in my head.   
Hands pulled me away from you after forever and it took me a minute to realize they were there to help you. Only they didn't help either of us. They looked you over and stepped away, telling me there was nothing to be done. It was too late, you were gone they said. You couldn't be gone, there was still time. I pushed them away and knelt beside you, refusing to give you up. You can't be gone, you never said goodbye.  
They pulled me off you again and tried to take me into the bedroom but I wouldn't let them stop me. I don't remember exactly what happened at that point other than swinging at anyone who touched me. I was still fighting them as they led me out of your apartment in handcuffs and put me in the police cruiser. At the hospital they asked me if there was anyone they could call for me. I was confused when they kept refusing to call you and asked for another name. I finally told them to call Kai, hoping he would call you for me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I look at my reflection in the mirror and grimace. My hair is long enough to get in my eyes but not long enough to pull back. Not that it looks any better when it's long than it does now. I let Kai talk me into cutting it for Kouyou and Yuu's wedding last month. That was the first time I really thought about it since you died. Little things like what my hair looked like had stopped mattering to me.   
Maybe I should get it colored again, like in the old days, like before you died. I think I'll just bleach it and then decide if I want to add any color to it. Then again if I just lighten it a little at a time it might not give Kai a heart attack. I still laugh when I remember the look on his face when I asked him for the spare key he offered me. When I came to stay with him almost six months ago I didn't know if I'd be here long enough to need it.   
It's hard to believe it's been that long, harder to believe I said yes in the first place. After everything that's happened in the last year I wasn't sure if I'd ever be able to face our friends again. I don't remember much of the first few months after your death. I was either too stunned or too drunk and sometimes both.   
I remember your memorial with perfect clarity even though I wasn't entirely there when it happened. That wasn't alcohol though, that came later. When they let me out of the hospital they insisted I take some antidepressants. For the first few days Kai stayed with me and made sure I took them.   
I hated those damned things and if I wouldn't take them he'd slip them in my food. After finding you that night, pills scattered everywhere, I've had a hard time even thinking about taking any. I wouldn't even let them give me aspirin when my car was totaled and I had six broken ribs. I wish you could have held out a little longer, at least until I had gotten there, and said goodbye.  
We had made so many plans in the early days, before you told me the medicine wasn't working. There were places we were going to go together, just the two of us. We talked about what getting married some day too, like Kouyou and Yuu. There was that one night we discussed kids some day in the future. I thought that adoption was a good idea but you were set on finding a surrogate so the kid would be ours.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"What do you think about having a kid?" you asked out of the blue.  
"Sorry, Ru," I laughed. "I'm not exactly equipped for that."  
"Dumbass," you hit me in the head with a pillow. "I didn't mean that, although the thought of you waddling around knocked up with my kid is priceless."  
"That's not funny," I said and scowled at you.   
The next fifteen minutes were spent wrestling around on the bed. You pinned me down and stuffed a pillow in my shirt. As humiliating as that was for me I suffered through it just to hear you laugh like you did. You laughed until you were crying and couldn't breath. I tried to get rid of the damned pillow but you wouldn't let me.  
"Not my baby! You can't get rid of Ruki Jr!"  
"We are not naming our kid Junior anything," I said giving up on the pillow. "And we'll adopt one like normal people. Not that you're normal or anything."  
"But you're so cute like this," you said rubbing the pillow.  
"No way, not going to happen. Even if nature didn't have rules about that kind of stuff, never going to happen. You want a kid that much you find a way to get pregnant."  
"Duh, we'll use a surrogate. Normal people do that too you know."  
"Why not just adopt? We could give a home to a kid that needs it."  
"I want a kid of our own. There's all kinds of crap you have to do and hoops to jump through in order to adopt. It's a lot easier to get a woman we know and hand over a cup and a turkey baster."  
"That's disgusting, you know that right? You are not right in the head."  
"Would you rather I do it the old fashioned way and have sex with her?"  
"Now who's the dumbass? There are doctors offices that do that stuff these days. You can go to one of them."  
"Fine, we'll do it your way. If we're naming the kid Ruki Jr, what should we name it?"  
"How should I know? It's not like we need to pick a name now. It's not like this kid is already on the way. That's when normal people usually pick out the name."  
"Like you said, I'm not normal. So what are we going to name him?"  
"What if it's a her?"  
"Nah, that'll be the second kid and it can be your turn to visit the doctor. I'm having a boy."  
"You are such an ass."  
"No swearing around the baby," you laughed and rubbed the pillow. "Come on Rei, help me think of a name."  
"Ichirou?"  
"What? You have no imagination at all. What about Rukia? I still like that one. Or Takamasa?"  
"How about Takaru?"  
"Takaru? Why?"  
"You want to name the kid after yourself so why not? 'Taka'nori and 'Ru'ki gives you Takaru."  
"Huh, I think I like that. Takaru," you said and rubbed the pillow.   
"Enough with the pillow already," I tried to get rid of it again.   
"Ha!" you laughed. "I'm going to have to make sure that Takaru smacks you with his little rattle when you get stubborn. He's going to whack your head and tell you no."  
"Don't even think about teaching him something like that."  
You pinned me down again and kissed me until I was the one who couldn't breath. The pillow kept getting in the way but you finally found a way around it. After, you fell asleep, your arms around me rubbing the pillow. Definitely not normal but I love you anyway.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Takaru was a dream that died with you. I can't even count the nights that I dreamed of the two of you, going to all those places we talked about together. Him hitting me over the head like you did when you got annoyed or whatever. I miss him too.  
All those dreams and the plans we made started to eat me alive when you died. When I slept I had nightmares about losing you and when I woke up they were all true. I started drinking just to dull the pain for a little while but it was never enough. There were too many memories to ever drown them all.  
I couldn't go back to my empty apartment any more. I'd go to some bar, get drunk and half the time the night would end with a fight. After that I'd sit in my car licking my wounds until I passed out. If the fighting part came before I was too drunk to care I'd end up missing you so bad I could only cry until there weren't any tears left.   
My family got together and insisted I stay with my mom but I couldn't take the pain in her eyes whenever she looked at me. I couldn't stop missing you and I didn't want to disappoint her any more than I already had so I left. There wasn't anywhere left to go for me so I just drove as far as I could each day. I couldn't out drive the pain or the memories no matter how far I went.  
Then the accident happened and I thought I was going to die. No matter how miserable I was I never drove drunk but I guess the other driver didn't have the opinion I did. We were on one of those twisting back roads and there was nowhere for me to go to avoid him. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I heard the screaming of the breaks and the hissing of the tires as they tried to stop spinning. Then came the crunching of metal on metal and shattering of glass as his truck hit me. My car was flipped from the force of the impact and I thought 'this is it' as I was sent off the road, rolling down the steep hill.   
Everything in my car was flying around as crazy as it sounds that's what saved my life. I knew my ribs broke when the impact happened and I hit the steering wheel. All my clothes and other stuff that had been piled in the back ended up wrapping around me.   
At the bottom of the hill my vision started to go dark and I was relieved. I could finally stop hurting every minute of the day, every second of the night. Then I woke up in the hospital and the pain was as bad as ever, doubled with the pain from the accident. The sights, sounds and even the smells in the hospital brought back the memories of the night you died. As soon as got the bag with my bloody clothes I dressed shakily and left.   
Now I didn't have a car or pretty much anything else since it had all been in the car. I had nowhere to go and nothing left to lose so I just walked until I couldn't go any farther. As I sat on the side of the road resting a car stopped and the guy offered me a ride. Having nothing left to lose it didn't matter if he turned out to be some psycho killer so I got in.   
Neither of us spoke as he drove for the next few hours. I could tell he was a business man by the suit and expensive watch he wore. I wondered why a guy like that was willing to pick up a stranger. Especially if the stranger was wearing obviously blood stained clothing. When the car stopped I looked around and it didn't take long for me to realize where we were. Aokigahara. Like me he had nothing left to lose.   
I don't know why but I followed him into the forest and that was when he finally spoke again. He told me about how his wife of twenty years had cheated on him. She had been cheating on him their entire marriage apparently. That was why they hadn't been able to find a match when their son needed a kidney. It wasn't his son, it was hers and some other guy's kid. She didn't even remember the man's name to look for him.  
It didn't matter to him that the boy wasn't his biologically, he had raised him and that meant he was the father. That's how he felt even after his son had died, slowly and painfully, in the hospital a month ago. He had only been twelve years old. The wife had turned away from him and went to yet another man. He had spent his life's savings trying to save his sons life. He really didn't have anything left to lose.   
He chose a spot at random and sat down to tie a noose in the rope he had pulled out of his briefcase. I watched as he climbed the tree and tied the rope securely around a branch. I don't know why I never tried to talk him out of it. Maybe I was jealous that he was strong enough to do something to end his pain. Maybe I thought he had the right to make his own decisions on how much he could take before he broke. Maybe I was just so far removed from humanity that I didn't care.  
It couldn't have been the last because when he stood up after saying a prayer I hugged him and told him goodbye. He hugged me back and thanked me for everything. He pulled out his wallet and handed me his cash saying he didn't need it any longer and I looked like I could use a meal. My stomach growled on cue and we laughed. Then he climbed onto a thick vine, placed the noose around his neck and took a step.   
I wanted to look away but found that I couldn't. His legs swung around wildly and his hands went to his neck. His foot touched on the vine and he kicked away from it. He didn't want to turn back. His legs stopped moving and his arms hung at his sides but there was a small smile on his face when his body turned to me. I stayed there with him that night to keep him company.   
I left the forest in the morning but for some reason I felt compelled to go back. I didn't want to kill myself but I was drawn to that haunted place again and again. I spent several months in the area around the forest, I worked odd jobs when I needed money for drinking. A lot of the time I spent just wandering the forest, comfortable with the lost souls there.   
The business man wasn't the only person I watched die there. When I met someone in the forest they thought I was there to kill myself like they were. Most of them got lost in their lives and after talking for a while I convinced several of them to go home. Some of them were like the business man and had nothing left to live for. A few of them reminded me of you, slowly being eaten away by disease. In the end if somebody went through with it I always hugged them and told them goodbye. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The only reason I came back here was because I had promised to meet the others on the anniversary of your death. It took a few days to hitch a ride back to Tokyo since I looked pretty wild at that point. I sure wouldn't have picked myself up off the road. Good thing there are bigger and scarier people out there willing to take a chance on scruffy looking hobos. I spent the morning drinking trying to work up the courage to face the others. I'm glad I did it now.


	6. Reita's POV Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reita starts living again after losing Ruki.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some much needed cuteness after all the angst.   
> Everything between ~~~~~~~~~ is memories.  
> This fic was originally written two years ago and I can't read it right now to check for what's in each chapter. Hopefully it helps someone who reads it like it helped me when I wrote it.

Aftermath  
Reita's POV  
Part 2

 

I grab my wallet and house key and head down to the bus station. I still haven't gotten around to looking for a car since I got back. After the accident last year I'm not all that comfortable being in a car at all. Other than the business man that brought me to Aokigahara and the rides I hitched to get back to the city I haven't been in a car. Kai's the only person I actually feel safe with behind the wheel.   
Luckily for me when I called the hair stylist earlier they had a cancellation today and could get me in. The next appointment wasn't for over a month and now that I've made the decision I don't want to wait. I can't help that I'm more impulsive these days and tend to act first, think later. It's a habit I picked up after I started drinking and I haven't been able to break from it.  
I managed to make the bus on time and take a seat in the back, away from everyone else on board. I've never been much of a people person to begin with and after isolating myself in the forest for months I have a harder time forcing myself to interact with them. I envy the fact that you were so outgoing in the public eye. I let my mind drift as the bus pulls into traffic and we head towards the shopping district.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~Bzzt~  
12:53 am  
Kai was passed out on my couch after a rare night of hanging out and drinking. 

~Bzzt~  
12:59 am  
Another missed text. I tried to wake him up but he was out. 

~Bzzt~  
1:07 am  
Three texts in just over ten minutes at this hour had better be important. I couldn't get Kai to even open his eyes he was so far gone. He seemed more stressed than usual while we drank. Not that he would talk about it, he's got some big secret lately.

~Bzzt~  
1:11 am  
I hated to snoop but if it was important I'd find some way to wake Kai up. Maybe even ice water over the head. 

From: Ruki  
Seriously Kai, where are you? I can't make it to the pharmacy and I really need that medicine tonight. 

What the hell was that about, I wondered. I know Kai can be forgetful but I don't see him dropping the ball on something like that. I know which pharmacy you use so I let Kai sleep and headed down there myself. Knowing everybody for more than ten years you end up picking up all kinds of odd information like that.   
I'd never heard of the medicine the pharmacist rattled off but I figured it was probably for the flu. That had being going around lately and I remembered Kai saying something last week about you not feeling good. I guessed you'd finally given up and gone to the doctor. On my way out of the store I picked up some tea and tissues just in case.  
I went to your place and knocked quietly on the door, not wanting to wake you if you'd gotten to sleep. It was now after 2 am and I wasn't sure if you'd still be awake and trying to get hold of Kai. You answered the door and I was surprised at how bad you looked. There were dark circles under your eyes and it looked like your hair hadn't seen a brush in a while.  
"Reita?" you asked when you saw me there. "What the hell are you doing here?"  
"Kai's passed out at my place and your texts woke me up instead." I held up the bag from the pharmacy. "I hope this is what you needed."  
"Thanks," you took the bag. "Sorry I woke you."  
"No problem. I got you some tissues and tea as well as whatever that stuff is. Do you need anything else? Soup maybe?"   
"No, this is fine. I can't really keep anything down right now anyhow."  
"Flu huh? Should have gotten the shot like the rest of us."  
"The what? Oh yeah sure flu. I guess I should have gotten the shot, right. Well I'm going to take this and try to get some sleep. Thanks again."  
"Are you okay? I mean other than the flu, obviously?"  
"What? Yeah, I'm fine. Other than the flu."  
"You haven't been acting like yourself lately Ruki. Come to think of it, neither has Kai. Are you two up to something?" I started to get suspicious.  
"Are you kidding? Kai and me? That would never happen."  
"What would never happen?" I was getting more suspicious by the minute.  
"Nothing would ever happen. He's just a friend. That's all there is to it."  
"Um, okaaaaaaaaay." Wtf. "Then what is it that you two are both hiding from everybody?"  
"Hiding? I'm not hiding anything," you said nervously.  
"If you say so," I gave up and turned to leave.  
"Look, Kai's nice and all but he's not really my type you know."  
"I never said he was. You're the one who brought it up. It's none of my business if you two are together anyway."  
"We're not! Never have been, never will be. Why is that so hard for you to understand?"  
"Are you feeling alright, Ruki? You're acting really weird tonight."  
"Oh I'm fine Commander Clueless. Just fine," you said angrily.  
"No, you're not," I said and forced my way in. "You're anything but fine right now. Go lay down or something and I'll get your medicine for you."  
"No," you clutched the bag to your chest. "I don't need you're help. Just go away."  
"Ruki," I said as I reached for the bag. "Come on already."  
"No," you started backing away from me.  
"What's your problem?"  
"I'm not the one with a problem. You came over to my place in the middle of the night, uninvited and just barged your way in. Now just leave already."  
"Dude, I only came over to bring you your medicine. I couldn't wake Kai when you texted him, remember?" I asked. I was getting really worried about your behavior.  
"What?"  
"The medicine. In the bag. You texted Kai and said you needed it. He's passed out at my place."  
"Oh, yeah. Um, sorry. I guess I'm a little out of it right now."  
"I figured that much out myself. What's going on with you, Ruki?"  
"Nothing. I'm just, flu you know?"  
"That wasn't the flu. What's really going on?"  
"Fine, it's not the flu."  
"What is it then?"  
"It's, never mind what it is. I've got this now and I'll be fine," you said waving the bag. "Thanks again."  
"I'm not leaving until you tell me what's really going on Ruki."  
"Yeah, okay. Just give me a minute."  
You headed down the hall and I followed you to the bathroom. I don't think I've ever seen that many prescription bottles in one place outside of a pharmacy. It hit me then that whatever was wrong was pretty bad. I watched as you read the instructions the pharmacist had sent along with the medicine and checked it with a few other bottles. Finally you took the bottle, shook a pill free and chased it down with tap water.  
In the harsh bathroom light you looked even worse than I had first thought. I noticed that your clothes hung loosely on your frame, showing that you'd lost weight recently. Our eyes had met in the mirror and you grimaced at the face I was making. It must have shown the shock and fear for you now that I was finally seeing what you had been hiding.  
"Obviously I'm sick," you gestured to the array of pills on the counter. "Don't worry, it's not contagious."  
"How bad is it? What is it?"  
"Don't worry, the doctor says things are looking good right now. Other than not sleeping much and not being able to keep food down for long. They're doing everything they can and I'll be fine."  
For the next hour we sat on your bed talking as you filled me in on your illness. How could I have been so blinded to the obvious for the last couple months? All those time that you just sat quietly at meetings or missed them altogether suddenly made sense to me. I couldn't believe that I hadn't figured out the truth before. That explained the Captain Clueless comment from earlier.  
I was still in a state of shock from the bomb you dropped on me when you kissed me. It wore off pretty quickly as you stripped me and that one night changed it all.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The bus rolls to a stop and I shake myself out of the memory. How many times am a going to relive those days? I'm not sure how to feel now that it doesn't feel like my heart is being ripped out every time I think of you. I know that it's supposed to be like this though, love shouldn't hurt. Losing you shouldn't have destroyed me like it did.   
I make it to the salon a few minutes early and take a seat while I wait. The smells are stronger than I remember them being the last time we were here. That was one thing never changed no matter how sick you had been, you always came here for anything to do with your hair.  
Yumiko, the stylist you preferred, always seemed to know exactly what you were looking for, even if you didn't. I didn't even think to ask who was in today when I called earlier but I hope I can at least see Yumiko and say hello after so long. She somehow knew what was going on between us even though we never said anything to her. That's just how she was.   
"Reita? Is that really you under that mop?" I hear a familiar voice ask.  
"Yumiko! It's good to see you again," I say as I stand and smile at her.   
"Can you really see anything from under all that mess?" she teases just like always.  
"Nope, nothing. That's why I came to see you."  
"Thank goodness, too. Don't worry, I've have you fixed up and looking like a real person in no time. Come on back."  
"I don't look that bad. Do I?"  
"I've seen worse, but not by much."  
"Oh thanks a lot. Let's get this started before you give me a complex or I start looking for my nosestrap," I say as I lower myself into the seat.  
"You know I can't work on your hair with that thing in the way. I'm glad you left it off for once."  
"I actually haven't bothered with it for a while now. No spotlight, no need for it."  
"Right, sorry," she says as she starts working her magic. "What are you doing these days?"  
"Nothing right now. I've been staying with Kai recently while I get things sorted out."  
"And how's he doing? Details, I miss my gossip sessions."  
"I don't remember you being so pushy," I laugh until she tugs a little harder than needed as she trims my hair. "Alright, alright. Kai's doing good. That band he's managing is doing really well and they're in studio again making another album."   
"That's great news! How are Aoi and Uruha? I know all about their boutique and the wedding but I haven't seen them in ages."  
"They're doing good. They go by Yuu and Kouyou these days though. I think we're supposed to be getting together with them for dinner or something soon. Kai's been kind of busy with the band so it's hard to pin down a date."  
"I guess that does make it hard to work around. It sounds like they're all happy now. What about you though? Honestly, how are you doing these days?"  
"I'm alright now. It was hard for a long time but I'm doing a lot better now."  
"Good, I'm glad to hear that. What do you think?" she asks pointing towards the mirror.  
"Wow! Yumiko, you've outdone yourself. I can't believe you managed to pull that off."  
"I am pretty amazing aren't I?"  
"And so modest, too."  
"You don't come here for my modesty. You come because of my amazingness."  
"There is that," I say as I stand to leave.  
"Are you free this afternoon? I have something for you at my place," she says quietly.  
"Uh, sure. Like I said, I'm not really doing anything these days."  
"It's something Ruki left for you."  
"What?" I ask more than a little stunned.  
"You'll see when you get there." She hands me a piece of paper with her address on it. "I get off at two so maybe around threeish?"  
"Okay." What have you done that's making her act so nervous?  
"See you then."  
"Yeah," I say as I make my way to the front to pay.  
I wonder around the district for a while and decide to head over and see if Kouyou wants to grab lunch. I need to distract myself for a while or I'm sure I'll end up a mess wondering about what you left for me. I haven't been to their shop but I know where it is and I make my way there. The window is full of brightly colored outfits and there is the red thread thing going on still.   
I open the door and hear the chime of a bell and Yuu calls out a greeting from somewhere towards the back. I look at all the racks full of stylish clothing and shelves lined with accessories. This is really a nice place and I'd probably shop here even if it wasn't owned by friends. Then the jewelry display at the counter catches my eye and I see it. The necklace I heard them telling Kai about, the one they designed for you. I"m not sure what I should feel but it makes me kind of happy. You would have liked it.   
"Is there anything I can help you..." his voice trails off as he recognizes me and sees what I'm looking at.   
"It's nice. I think he'd have liked that a lot, Yuu," I said with a sincere smile.  
"Um, thanks, Rei. When did you?" he gestures to my hair.  
"I just left the salon actually. I thought I'd stop in here since I was in the area," I lie just a little. "Is Kouyou around? I thought I'd see if he wanted to grab lunch."  
"He left a few minutes ago to go to the deli around the corner. If you head over there now you should be able to catch him before he gets back. Or you can stick around and have some of whatever he's picking up if you want."  
"Is he still on that health food kick he was going on about at the wedding?"  
"Please don't remind me of that. I haven't had a decent meal in over a month."  
"Pass. How about if I go the other way, grab something completely unhealthy and 'surprise' you two?"  
"Go, please. I can't take much more rabbit food. You're the best, Reita."  
"See you soon."  
I head out and carefully check to make sure Kouyou isn't in sight before I run across the street. I order a large pizza with extra meat, the greasier the better with a side of buttery garlic knots and add some soft drinks to complete the junk food fest. Maybe after he eats this Kouyou will remember that he likes real food, I think with a laugh.   
Back at the boutique I don't know who's happier to see me. Kouyou is excited to finally get the chance to show me the store and Yuu is practically crying over the smell of the pizza. Kou hangs the out to lunch sign and locks up the front and we go to the small office in the back to eat. I see the sad little lunch that was waiting back there and shudder. How can anyone live on that stuff?   
We dig into the food and talk about how the store is going and the designs they are drawing up for the next season already. It seems like a lot more work than I had expected but they're really happy and I guess that's what counts. When I ask them about what they have planned for the next Ruki signature piece they both pause for a moment and look at each other.   
Apparently they want to do a shirt but can't decide between a shooting star or swirling feathers for the design. They both show me their concept pictures and it's tough to say which it nicer. I take a napkin and pen and doodle a combination of both their ideas together. I have to explain what it is since my drawing sucks but they both love the idea. They promise to let me see the real design they come up with before they submit it for production.  
We finish off the pizza and lean back in our seats in contentment. Kouyou probably ate more than Yuu and I together so I cross my fingers and hope this was enough to end his current boom. I glance at my watch and realize it's almost one now and there's still over an hour to kill before I need to leave for Yumiko's. Yuu gets up and stretches out, saying he needs to open the store back up for business. He leans over Kouyou and steals a kiss before heading to the front of the shop and I hear the bell chime almost immediately.  
"I'm glad you stopped by, Reita," Kouyou says. "I've really missed hanging out with you."  
"Me too. Maybe we should do a game night like we used to. Kai's still out late most nights so we wouldn't keep him up if you want to come over. We could order some more pizza."  
"Oh that sounds really good. We haven't done that in forever. Let me check our schedule tonight and I'll let you know when I'm free. I know we have something coming one night this week with a vendor but I don't remember which night."  
"Sounds like a plan. I better let you get back to work though. I think it's getting busy out there."  
"Never a dull moment around here, I swear. Don't be a stranger, huh?"  
"I won't be, I promise," I say as I give my old friend a hug.   
"Good. Now get out of here before I recruit you to run the register," he says as he returns the hug.  
"Consider me gone."  
I left the shop and debated how to spend the next hour until I needed to catch the bus to Yumiko's neighborhood. There were a few things I could use from the store but I didn't really want to carry them around with me all day. I also didn't know what you could have left for me with Yumiko and I would need to bring it home with me.   
Finally I decided to go to the studio and see how the recording was coming along. I think people there were getting used to me stopping in again since I'd been there most often. Now that I think about it, I always end up at the studio whenever I go out. I do miss being in the band but I doubt that any other group would ever feel right to me. Maybe it's time I started thinking about what to do with my future.  
At the front desk the receptionist smiles up at me from over the phone that seems to be glued to her ear. I don't think I've ever seen her without the thing held up to her head. She waves me through and hands me a visitor pass so I can go right up without an escort. I wonder if I should look into the other types of work they do here. Not that I want to manage a band like Kai does but I wouldn't mind working around music again.  
The elevator ride up to the recording area is brief and I don't run into anyone along the way. I see that the light outside the recording booth is off so I go into the control room without worrying about interrupting. Everybody is gathered around Kai as they go over some detail or another. All heads turn my direction as the door clicks shut behind me.  
"Hey guys. How's it going?"  
"Reita! When did you go blonde again man?" Gin, the vocalist asked. "I told you guys he was going to do it. Pay up, bitches!"  
"You guys bet on this?" I ask incredulously.   
"Dude we bet on everything," he laughs as the others grumble and pull out their wallets.   
"Why don't you guys take a break and let Gin by the drinks since he's just come into some money," Kai says and ushers them out.  
"Not cool, Kai," I can hear Gin grumbling now as the others laugh.  
"Those guys are something else," I laugh as I take a seat.  
"Yeah they are. Is everything alright Reita?" Kai asks as he sits across from me.  
"Fine, why?"  
"I'm just a little surprised about the hair. You never mentioned wanting to get it colored again."  
"It just kinda happened. I noticed that it looked pretty bad and called the salon. They had a cancellation and were able to get me in today. No big deal."  
"Oh, well that was lucky I guess."  
"Yeah it was. The next appointment would have been weeks away. So how's the album coming along?"  
"Pretty good right now. I might actually be able to start getting out of here before midnight soon."  
"Hey that's great. I'll have to tell Kouyou if he wants to do a game night we'll have to do it before that happens."  
"You've talked to Kouyou recently?"  
"I stopped at the boutique a little while ago and we all had lunch. He actually ate the pizza I picked up instead of that health food crap," I laugh.  
"Wow, sounds like a busy day for you, too."  
"It has been. Yumiko, the stylist we used to go to all the time, asked me to stop by her place in a little while."  
"Um, any reason in particular?"  
"She said that Ruki left something for me with her," I say uneasily.  
"He did? What is it?"  
"I'm not sure. She told me I'd see when I got there."  
"Oh, uh, do you want me to go with you?"  
"Nah, I'm good. You're busy here anyway. I just hope it's nothing embarrassing, you know?"  
"Embarrassing how?"  
"Well, Yumiko kinda figured out that Ruki and I were together. She's probably the only person besides you that knew. If he didn't want to leave whatever it is with you, it might be something, well, personal."  
"If you change your mind you know where to find me."  
"Yeah I do. Thanks, Kai. For everything."  
"That's what friends are for right?"  
"It's more than that. You're the one person that's always been there for me, no matter what," I say as I stand and start pacing. "No matter how screwed up I was, you were there."  
"Not when it counted most."  
"Yeah you were. I knew that you were there, I just, I don't know really. I knew you were there though and that's what matters."  
"Why'd you leave then?"  
"I had to, Kai. It was just too much back then and I couldn't do it. I couldn't face what happened in the cold light of day you know."  
"And now? Are you sure you're ready for whatever it is that he left for you? If it's something really personal for you are you up to that now? You won't take off again?"  
"Honestly? I don't know if I'm ready for it but I'm going anyway. I won't leave again though. I'm finally pulling myself together again, thanks to you. I'm not going to let anything send me down that path again."  
"Call me when you leave?"  
"Sure," I say as I finally stop pacing. "If it's a blow up doll of him or something I don't think they'll let me bring it on the bus."  
"A what?" he asks with a choked laugh.  
"I'm kidding. I could see him doing something like that though. Can't you?" I laugh at the idea. You would've done that too wouldn't you.  
"That is not an image I needed, Reita. I'm never going to get that out of my head now," he says as he stands in front of me.  
"Sorry, I couldn't resist."  
He wipes tears from the corners of his eyes and growls at me. It's been a long time since I've heard that from him and I can't help but stare. He catches me in the act and leans in close to do it again. I can't look away even though I know I should. In the next second I feel his lips on mine and my eyes closed on their own.   
My hands come up to rest on his chest and I swear I can feel his heart racing under them. I feel his hands brush over my bare arms before he buries them in my newly blonde hair. He deepens the kiss and somehow I find myself between him and the tiled wall of the control room. I don't know how long the kiss lasts but suddenly Kai steps back and I can hear the sound of voices coming towards us.   
The band! How did I forget about them? I look at Kai and he smiles and steps back a little. I run my hands through my hair, trying to make it look like it had earlier and force myself to breathe. The door opens and the band members spill in, laughing and joking with each other. I tell Kai I'll call him later and let him know what happens before making an escape.   
I leave the studio and race to the bus station and just manage to catch the correct bus before it pulls away. The ride to Yumiko's doesn't take long but I'm able to clear my mind, at least momentarily, and focus on what's coming. I get off at my stop and walk the last few blocks to her building. Briefly I consider calling her and rescheduling but I push the urge away and knock on her door.  
"Reita, come on in. Did you have any trouble finding the place?"  
"None, I've been down in this area before to visit friends. So what exactly did Ruki leave for me?"  
"It's kind of complicated," she says as she leads me to the living room. "He came in to see me about two months before he died. He wanted to ask me a favor."  
"He did? What kind of favor?" I ask more confused than ever.  
"He told me he knew he was going to die soon. There was something he wanted to do before that and he needed my help."  
"Help with what?"  
"Well, there was something he wanted to leave for you but he couldn't do it ..." her words were cut off by the sound of crying from another room. She handed me a large manila envelope and stood up. "Damn, that kid has perfect timing. Here's all the paperwork you need. I'll be right back."  
I turn the envelope over and see you wrote one word on it, my name. I lift the little metal tabs up and slide out a thick packet of papers. Before I have a chance to read more than your name and Yumiko's on the top paper she's back with a baby in her arms. She takes the papers from me and sets them aside before handing me the kid.  
"Reita, meet Takaru. Ruki's son. This is what he needed my help with."  
"What?" I look at her blankly for a second then down at the baby in my arms. He looks back at me with wide eyes and I notice that they're the same shade as yours were. He's got your nose, too.   
"Takaru," Yumiko says as she sits down next to us. "Can you say hi to your Papa?"  
The baby, Takaru, looks at her as she speaks then back at me. He smiles and blows bubbles, covering me with drool.   
"That's not very nice," she scolds with a laugh. She hands the baby a toy and asks him again.  
Takaru smiles up at me again before he smacks me in the nose with the rattle. "No," he says and laughs.  
"I should have seen that one coming," I say as I rub my sore nose.  
"I'm sorry. He's never done anything like that before and that's the first time he's said the word no."  
"Oh yeah. He's definitely Ruki's kid," I say with a laugh before pulling your baby, your final gift to me, up for a hug.  
"No," he says and hits me over the head with the rattle. "No, Papa, no."  
I can't hold it in any longer and I start laughing and crying at the same time. Takaru looks at me like I'm crazy and maybe he's right but I don't care anymore. Yumiko hands me a bottle for the baby and as I feed him she explains how you pleaded with her for help. You knew you didn't have long even if you hadn't told me that.   
The two of you had gone to a fertility clinic and things had happened pretty quickly. She tells me that she hadn't even known she was pregnant when you died. It wasn't until later that she was sure and by then I was a drunken wreck. She avoided telling me and I made it easy on her by avoiding places that reminded me of you.   
When Takaru was born she had tried to find me to tell me, hoping that I was sober. Only she couldn't find me and nobody knew what had happened or if I was even still alive. That was when I was in Aokigahara and I figure it's probably a good thing I wasn't around. I could barely take care of myself then, forget a newborn baby.   
"I heard you were back around the time Aoi and, sorry, Yuu and Kouyou, got married. I thought about telling you then but I had heard so many bad things about what your life had been like. I was afraid to hand him over to you. I know it's wrong and that's what Ruki wanted but I just couldn't do it. When you came in today I knew it was time though. I never meant to keep him from you, I just had to know you'd be able to look after him."  
"It's okay, Yumiko. I understand. I'm glad that you kept him away from me until now. He was better off with you."  
"And now? Are you going to be able to handle this? He's a good baby and everything but it's not easy being a parent."  
"We'll be fine, won't we Takaru? I've got Kai right there if I need anything and there's always Yuu and Kouyou. He's going to be spoiled in no time."  
"That's your problem then," she says with a laugh. "I've packed up some of his stuff if you want to take it home with you now. You can come back for the rest of it later."  
"I was going to call Kai for a ride anyhow so what ever you have ready and can fit in his car. Uh, he needs one of those seats doesn't he?"  
"He does and I have one in the other room."  
"Are you sure you want to get rid of all this?" I ask as she shows me the huge amount of stuff for the baby.  
"You have no idea. Don't get me wrong, he's a great kid and all but I am not mommy material. I am never having one of my own. If it hadn't been Ruki who asked I wouldn't have done this at all."  
As I call Kai and ask him to come pick me up we start bringing the baby stuff to the door. I don't mention Takaru during the call and I feel a little guilty about that but I want to see his face when I tell him. I want to know how he really feels about me raising your son, our son really, and it's easiest to just read his expression.   
Kai arrives a by the time we having everything piled by the door and I lead him to mat that Takaru is now playing on before I explain things. I watch him carefully as he looks at the baby and all I see on his face is joy. He picks the baby up and cuddles him, smiling at me over the downy hair. Takaru smiles and makes baby noises at him but of course doesn't hit him with the rattle.   
We load his stuff in the trunk of Kai's car and Yumiko makes me watch how she buckles the seat into the back of the car and then do it myself. Then she shows me how to fasten him into it and I have to prove I can do that as well before she even lets Kai start the engine. So much for not being mommy material, I think to myself.  
The drive back home is filled with the sound of Takaru's baby babble and like you, he enjoys the sound of his own voice. At a very high level. Kai takes a few things in as I struggle to unbuckle Takaru from his seat. It was a lot easier to do when he wasn't in it and wiggling around like a fish out of water.   
Kai laughs at me since he's already done unloading the massive amount of baby stuff by the time I finally free Takaru. I look down at his face and I can see so much of you in him. He laughs and waves his hands at something only he can see. I kiss his forehead and turn to walk inside as Kai calls for me to hurry up.   
As I reach for the door a firefly zips past my face and I hear Takaru giggling. I turn around and there are literally hundreds of fireflies surrounding us. One of them lands on the baby's nose and his eyes cross trying to look at it. Kai comes out again asking what's taking so long and I see his mouth drop in surprise.   
Takaru laughs and waves as more and more fireflies light up the night around us. Kai shakes his head and joins us, wrapping his arms around us and kisses me again. Takaru laughs louder and starts blowing bubbles again. We stand there in the warm spring air and watch as the lights of the fireflies flicker around us. Takaru yawns and rests his head against my shoulder and soon the fireflies begin to drift away.   
As the last few flutter around us Takaru lifts his head and waves his hands madly. I swear it sounds like he says 'da-da' as the little lights wink out of sight. I look at him and his eyes droop closed and his head leans against my chest. Takaru isn't old enough yet to understand who you are but I swear I'll tell him about you one day. I know that I'll always love you Ruki and I hope that you'll understand that I love Kai too.   
I follow Kai inside and as I turn to close the door behind me I see one last flickering light and smile. The breeze shifts and carries the scent of your cologne on it. Somewhere in the night I hear the faint sound of music and my ears strain to catch the familiar melody. Tears sting my eyes when I recognize the last few lines of our song 'Last Heaven.'


End file.
